As a teacher of young children, I find that I instinctively observe children throughout the day--regardless of where I am of if I even know the child. Sometimes what I see and hear is entertaining. Sometimes it is bewildering. Sometimes what I observe makes me scared and angry, and on more than one occasion, afraid for the safety of the child.
For this week's assignment, I was to observe communications between adults and children and reflect upon what I observed. I decided to use morning drop-off at the center where I work as an opportunity to see many such observations.
In several instances, the children were in a rush to talk to their friends--the parents barely had a chance to say goodbye and most got a quick wave or "Bye" in return before the children were off to begin their day. These children, for the most part, were children who had been coming to the center for quite some time. They were used to the routine, familiar with the staff and the other children, and for the most part school-aged, meaning already enrolled in kindergarten or above.
One conversation which caught my attention was between a preschooler and his mother. The boy was having a hard time separating from his mother--he was crying, begging for another kiss, and complaining of a stomach ache. His mother responded that he probably had a stomach ache because his "no-good father probably let him eat too much junk, as usual." The mother then turned to a teacher and said "He has a stomach ache thanks to his idiot father. If you are going to make me come back for him, I am just going to take him home now." The child began crying louder. The teacher squatted down so as to be on eye level with the child. She felt his forehead and asked where he hurt. He shrugged and looked down at the floor. The teacher suggested that he go to the bathroom and wash his face and that maybe he would feel better, and asked another teacher to take him. While the child was in the restroom, the teacher walked the mother to the door and assured her that her son would be fine, and that we would call her to come back only if the child were seriously ill. By the time the child returned to the room he had calmed down and was able to join his friends who were playing in the block area.
At breakfast, I made a point of sitting near this child. I asked the group at the table how their mornings were, and asked them to tell me about what they had done before they came to school. One child said he watched TV, another said she took a shower. The little boy who had been so upset said that he made his mother mad at his daddy. I asked the child to tell me what has happened. He said that he left his jacket at his daddy's house, and his mommy was mad at his daddy for not bringing it. He said she yelled at daddy on the phone on the ride to school and said she wasn't going to let him stay at daddy's house anymore. The child then said that he didn't mean to forget his coat and make his mommy mad but he forgot. He said he was scared that they were going to have to move again because he was bad. I assured the child that sometimes mommies and daddies get angry and say things they don't mean, but that none of it was his fault. I spoke to this child's teacher as well as the director about the conversation I had with the child, as well as what I had witnessed earlier in the day. I found out that the mother had just broken it off with her boyfriend and moved out, taking the children with her. She was currently living with a family member, but that it wasn't going well. The mother did not have a job and the father was looking into filing for sole custody.
Adults often speak in the presence of children and forget that what they say and how they say it is being observed. In this instance, the parents are not getting along, and the child is being dragged into the middle of the conflict. He is fearful of upsetting his mother because he knows she will blame his father and that she will take him away from his father. The child is taking responsibility for his parents' anger and his emotions are taking their toll on him.The child has given off many cues as to how this is upsetting him--separation anxiety, tears, and stomach aches--but the signs are being ignored my his mother. When talking to children, it is important to remember that we need to pay attention to non-verbal as well as what is being said. Many times, children do not have the vocabulary to accurately express their emotions. The director said she would set up a meeting with both parents as quickly as possible to see what could be done to improve this situation. Both parents need to understand that, while they may be fighting with each other, that their child is not part of the disagreement and needs to be left out of it. The child needs reassurances that they both still love him and that it is ok for him to love both of them, even if they don't love each other anymore.
Hey Kathy. I find myself observing children too, especially during centers when they are playing with other children and talking and on the playground during outside time. They say some of the funniest things. But sometimes I hear them say something that they shouldn't say and I wonder where do they hear that from. Some times I will interrupt their conversation. I love the children and I am concerned about their safety. Very good post you have.
ReplyDeleteKathy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post. This poor child felt like all of this was his fault. His mom was mad at his dad because he forgot his jacket and his whole morning could have been ruined because of it. Parents and other adults really need to try to have their differences discussions when the children are not around to hear them. This reminds of the many stories that we hear about children feeling like it is their fault that their parents get divorced or separated. Thinking as this young boy did that if they had not been bad their parents would still be together. Your post really hit me to try to better understand what is really going on when one of my students seems to upset. Thanks again for such a great post.